Depression, Infertility and how to journey through it with God by your side.
Never in my mind…
The moment I got married … better yet … The moment we got married, we instantly wanted to have a family. It was just what was next in the books for us as a couple. Many people advised us to wait and enjoy the first couple of years of marriage, but for some reason, it would go in one ear and out of the other. Yes, we were and still are that couple who want a van full of kids.
We were just so ready to enjoy life together as a newlywed couple and soon a family.
You know, as someone who was just starting out first as a newly saved Christian, a new wife, and new pastors wife, I wasn’t nieve to the fact that things could possibly not go how we planned. But why have that kind of mindset? I was excited to see what God had in store for us.
Out of sight out of mind
“Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalms 37:4. Thats what I would do! For some reason I started to use the word of God to my advantage. I started to think …. If I “delight myself in God” He will surley give me what i’m wanting. Or you know what maybe not worrying about it God would surley provide! He has to! Why wouldnt He?
After a year of no results, I had finally decided to see a doctor. I mean I wasn’t worried, I was by that time 19 almost 20 so I knew it was going to happen somehow and I serve a mighty God! God was just allowing me to go through this small period of wait.
The more I would think about it though, the more people would tell me how I needed to stop worrying. People would tell me …”I don’t need to have kids right now.” “I’m young.” “Why are you worrying so much?” Or one of the worst things someone has ever told me was “Maybe God is giving you a sign that He doesn’t want you to be a mom.” “Maybe you wouldn’t be a good mom.” Ouch…. that one hurt. But you know what, I still trusted that God had everything in control and that it was going to happen sooner than I thought.
PCOS and Endometriosis
Well, guess what, I was given the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS and Stage 3 Endometriosis. I won’t get into the detail of what these diagnoses are, but I will let you know exactly what the doctor told me, He said “We can try to help you as much as we can. We can start with some hormone treatments maybe get more invasive if you’d like but I won’t lie to you it’s more than likely not going to work. I don’t want to take your money if I can see that it won’t work.”
I heard those words, and all I could think in my head was, “Why God? I’ve given up everything to serve you. I left my old ways! Why would you do this to someone who serves you!” I even started to think that God was punishing me for my past sins, for everything wrong I ever did, I thought this was my punishment.
My way, not Yours
I decided that I was going to take matters into my own hands. I still had “faith” in God but I thought that maybe with enough money and effort I could make it happen on my own. So, With alot of conviencing, I talked my husband into letting me go to a fertility specialist. We ended up spending more money that what we had because I needed to make things work my way.
Let me make something super clear, this was a completely different doctor than the one mentioned above, and after getting ourselves into a good amount of debt (because of me wanting things done the way I wanted them) the doctor finally told me the same thing the other doctor told me. He said, “look, as much as I would like to help you more the only way I think this could work is by going into IVF, and even then there’s a good chance there isn’t a 100% chance this will work.”
Where was God in all of this?
Hearing all of these things again made me bitter with God. It made me get into such a big pit that my heart had turned cold with God. I thought God wasn’t listening to me anymore. I would get on my knees crying and asking God … Why? I had never felt so angry, so sad, so frustrated with God, I thought there was nothing else left for me to do but feel miserable and pitty for myself.
With all this said, I hit the depression stage and I thought I would never get out of it. But I was wrong. This depression made me look for God more than I had ever done before. It brought me to my knees more times than I could remember. I search the scripture for His comfort. It gave me peace after coming to the realization that God is still good. There’s this song by Jonathan McReynolds that says “May your struggles keep you near the cross and may your troubles show that you need God. May your battles end the way they should, and may your bad days PROVE that God is good.”
Scripture, Depression, Infertility
God is good, in the good and in the bad.
I used to think that God had forgotten about me but it shows me in the scripture…
“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!” Matthew 6:26-30
God is by your side
The scripture shows me that it’s ok to be sad and still celebrate with my friends who are having children. God showed me that I have good desires. Wanting children isn’t a bad thing but a Holy and good desire to have. Looking for Him more showed me that God wants what’s good for me and that He loves me and will provide all things according to His time and His will.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” Isaiah 55:8-9.
God showed me that in His time everything would come together if I just place my delight in Him, not in the way I thought to be correct, but in the way, He’s asking me to delight in Him.
Falling in love with God in times of struggle
If it wouldn’t have been for this troubling time I never would’ve searched for God the way I did. It was at that time that I became a seminary student. I began to fall in love with God all over again. It was at that time that I realized that God would work all things for my good.
And guess what …. He did. “He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the LORD!” Psalms 113:9
P.s. If you are struggling with infertility please feel free to contact me! I’m more than willing to help and pray for you! If you’re struggling with depression, please know that God loves you, I’d love to speak with you more about how God can get you out of this.